


you keep me safe, you keep me sane

by jaeyoonijagi



Series: Emetophobic!Taeyong [2]
Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Fluff, M/M, MAJOR EMETOPHOBIA WARNING, Panic Attacks, Phobias, and johnny is a sweetheart, and synonyms of the word too, taeyong is emetophobic, the v word is mentioned quite a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-09 02:55:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14707781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeyoonijagi/pseuds/jaeyoonijagi
Summary: A misunderstanding sends Taeyong into a phobia-based panic attack.





	you keep me safe, you keep me sane

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: this is sort of an unrelated continuation of "take a moment, breathe in, breathe out, everything's gonna be just fine". You won't have to read it before this one, but if you want to read it, you can read it here!
> 
> title is from "Edge of Tonight" by All Time Low.
> 
> (for those of you who don't know, phobias do count as a type of anxiety disorder, hence the tag)

_ 'Cause I can't breathe without you near, _

_ You keep me safe, _

_ You keep me sane, _

_ You keep me honest, _

 

"So you have one performance in a few minutes and a thirty minute break before performing again. Give it your all.", the manager gave them a quick pep-talk, before walking out of the changing room, most likely standing at the end of the stage to guide them on and off.

"We have a free day tomorrow, so go all out with no regret, okay?", Taeyong told his members, looking at them all one by one to be greeted by tired smiles. His hand received a squeeze, Taeyong turning his head to meet Johnny's gorgeous smile. He couldn't not smile back even if he wouldn't want to. 

"NCT, you're on in three minutes."

They began to make their way to the stage, standing close enough to see who's performing, but not enough for fans to see them. All members appeared to be excited in their tiredness, which was a delight for the leader, he already felt guilty over not being able to help them get proper rest. That's when he couldn't help but overhear what Doyoung told Jaehyun.

"God, I feel like puking right now."

He didn't want to react this way, but the moment the p-word was said, his heart picked up it's speed rapidly, breath not staying calm either. Then followed the cold flashes and chills, almost soothing as he found himself to be growing hot. As if reacting to the mere p-word, his eyes begun to water slightly, the leader having to tilt his head backwards not to let them fall. It would ruin the makeup and trouble the coordi-noonas. He could do this. No worries.

"One minute, NCT."

Okay, maybe he couldn't do this. His chest began to feel tight from the terrible breathing pattern he had adapted to. He had to rap, he knew there'd be playback as well and technically he could just lipsync instead. Should he do that? Would that be alright? Would fans slaughter him? What would all netizens say? Would he just be ruining everything for the other members?

"In three, two, one, you may now enter the stage."

 

It wasn't his best performance, that'd be a shame to say. He ended up trying to sing his first part in 'TOUCH' but to himself he sounded too out of breath. That's why he decided to go with the lipsyncing plan. He could deal with those consequences later. He was really out of breath and had a hard time breathing regularly, Mark casting him a questioning glance in their shared part. He wasn't sure if any other members noticed anything, but he didn't think they did. They had to worry about themselves, and he very much prefered it like that.

 

It was after it all went down. After bowing to the fans, they walked off the stage, being headed to the makeup room again to get a change of clothes. When entering the dark tunnel between the stage and the hallway leading to their destination, after saying by to their maknae line that had to perform with Dream in a few minutes, he felt Doyoung brush past him, a weak 'sorry', as he hunched over in a corner. That's when Taeyong's body went into, what his mother used to call, 'survival mode'.

"When we're faced with our fears our bodies react in a way it would if we were faced with danger. It doesn't matter if we know it's not dangerous, the body will react faster than you can think of what's going on. It's like survival mode. Assuming the worst is happening, adrenaline is shot through the body to make sure we make it out alright."

If he thought he was feeling anxious earlier, he wasn't sure what to call this. Immediately turning away, he ramed into Yuta, who caught hold of his wrists.

"Wow, easy there."

He could hear Doyoung cough behind him and got ready for the worst, pulling his wrists to himself, catching Yuta off guard. 

"What's wrong?"

Taeyong just shook his head, placing his hand over his mouth. 

"Hyung?", he heard Doyoung, which made it even worse. If he was sick, he'd make the others sick by being here. If the others got sick, Taeyong himself would get sick. If everyone got sick there'd be a vom-fest. Hell to the no. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to push you."

"What happened?", Yuta looked at Doyoung for answers.

"I had to cough, I held it in through most part of the performance and pushed him over so I wouldn't cough in someone's face and I guess I must've startled him."

Oh right. No one but Johnny knew about his emetophobia. Fantastic. 

"Taeyong-hyung, hey, I didn't mean to scare you. I'm so sorr-No, no, no, don't cry!"

No tears had fallen yet but his eyes were filled to the brim, both Yuta and Doyoung becoming blurry. He backed away from the both of them, hands coming to cover his eyes instead, as trying to breathe through his nose did no good to his semi-hyperventilation. 

"Hyung, please don't cry, I'm so sorry!"

"What is happening?"

Never had Johnny's voice ever been so lovely before. It took a moment before he felt a pair of hands grab a hold of his arms, the grip tight but yet so tender. The type of grip only Johnny's hands could hold.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

"I scared him.", Taeyong could hear the shame in Doyoung's voice, and he wanted nothing but to shout at him that Doyoung got it all wrong. That it was just Taeyong with his stupid phobia. It was just Taeyong being ridiculous and pathetic for being close to have a full-blown panic attack over something that didn’t happen.

"Taeyong-ah, we really need to get your breathing back to normal.", he heard the honey voice say. "Come. Let's go to the bathroom and talk."

 

As soon as they had entered the restrooms, Taeyong let his guard down, let all the disappointed towards himself, out. He didn't go into a full crying fit, that wasn't how his body reacted. Instead if left him with a heavy chest and slow tears falling from his doe eyes ever so often. 

"Taeyong?"

He felt Johnny's presence behind him before the touch came, Johnny trailing a hand along the younger's arm while making his way from behind the other to stand in front of him instead. When in front of the troubled man, Johnny let his hand make its way down to hold his hands. There was still some space between them, Johnny not wanting to smother his boyfriend into oblivion. 

"Follow me, okay?  I want you to squeeze my hands every time you breathe out. Wait for me to tell you when to breathe in and out, okay?"

He tried, he really did. But it wasn't as easy as he wished for it to be. It was somehow as if his lungs were completely empty but still unable to accept oxygen. He felt his whole body lean forward, Johnny's body immediately going tense. 

"Yong, I need you to breathe out with me."

"G-got no air."

"No, no, you've got too much air. When breathing funny, you inhale too much air but never let the carbon dioxide out, that's why you're feeling lightheaded. Follow what I'm doing."

Taeyong was thankful Johnny's voice stayed strong even though he could feel the older's heart pick up its speed.

"Babe, squeeze my hands as hard as you can and exhale. Keep exhaling. Don't stop just yet. And there we go. Now inhale with me."

It took almost ten minutes for his lungs to function properly again, Johnny not giving himself a second to slack from helping the shorter. Taeyong could still feel his heart beating a little too fast, but it would be alright. He wanted to beat himself for being so sensitive. Why did he have to freak out before even knowing exactly what was going on? It was pathetic, really.

He was brought out of his mind when Johnny bumped their noses together. Against his own will, Taeyong lifted his gaze to meet a pair of soft, worried eyes looking at him, waiting for an explanation. He bit his lip. Should he make up an excuse that is less stupid than the real reason, or should he say it just came out of the blue without explanation?

"What happened?"

"I...I don't know. I-it just happened."

Johnny angled his head downwards a little, the way he did when he was critical of something.

"Oh yeah?"

Taeyong looked away. "Yeah. Sorry to disturb you."

"The only thing more disturbing than you having a panic attack to the point of almost passing out, is you not telling me the real reason behind it. But I won't force you. If you're not comfortable sharing it, then fine. That's okay. Just don't tell me it was over nothing if it really wasn't."

"I thought he was going to be sick.", Taeyong mumbled.

"What was that?"

"He told Jaehyun before the performance that he was going to throw up, so I thought he was going to do so afterwards, but he was just going to cough."

Taeyong was not sure why he expected the other to laugh at him, he expected the older to laugh and make fun of him for reasons that were invalid to have an anxiety attack over. 

"Why didn't you tell me? It must've been terrifying!"

Taeyong looked up in pure shock. Johnny raised his hands. 

"I'm sorry if that was offensive to you."

"What? No...I just...what?"

"What do you mean 'what'?"

"It's stupid."

"It's not stupid if it got you worked up."

"Yes, it is! I just fucking cry over someone coughing, of course it's stupid!"

"You thought he was going to...you know...of course you'd freak out if that's your phobia, that's a natural reaction. How do you think people with spider phobias react to spiders? They freak out. Know what? That is alright. There's a reason it’s a phobia, and not just fear, you know.”

"I...It's the same."

Johnny smiled softly. "No, not entirely so. I have a fear of flying, but it doesn't really bother my day-to-day life, it just makes it worse to travel by plane. If I were to have a phobia, it'd crash with my life. Like with your phobia. Remind me again how many days you've spent in bed because you have felt too anxious to leave?"

Taeyong didn't answer, he just let his arms thug at Johnny's waist, head hitting the rough chest. Johnny had a special scent Taeyong wished to never forget. No matter what perfume he wore, no matter what hair och body products he used...he always smelled like comfort. He smelled like home. There was nothing quite quite as home-y as having the strong arms around him. He wasn't sure what he did to deserve Johnny. 

"I'm sure the others are waiting for a hint of us being alive, I say we go there and tell them what's going on, yeah?"

Did he want to tell the others he was emetophobic? Well. Yeah. Sort of? But at the same time, how would it look if their strong leader was scared of such a bodily function? They'd be ashamed to call him their leader. 

"Don’t doubt now. I think it's important you tell them this. Doyoung definitely didn't mean he was feeling sick, he just says that a lot. If we tell him the problem, he will stop, alright?"

Okay, it was worth it. So he nodded. Johnny didn't let him fully pull back until he had pressed a soft kiss to the, now calm, male's forehead.

"Let's talk to them."

 

Johnny had been right, they were waiting. 

"Guys.", Johnny said as he pulled his younger boyfriend into the room.

"Where have you been?"

"What is going on?"

"Why does it look like Taetae has cried?"

Taeyong winced at the last question, going to cover his eyes with the arm free of Johnny's hold. 

"Babe? Wanna tell them now?"

He removed the arm again to face the worried faces of his members. His heart broke when he saw Doyoung on one of the couches with Taeil and Jaehyun beside him, obvioulsy having had a talk of some sort. The man in the middle looked almost as worked up as Taeyong imagined himself having looked like a few minutes ago. 

"Tell us what?", Taeil pressed gently. 

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing? I'm the one to blame!", Doyoung protested, making an effort to stand up only to be pulled back down by Jaehyun, who rubbed a hand over his back.

“What is wrong?”, Sicheng, the angel of the group, asked.

“I’m…”, he didn’t want to say it. Saying it meant everyone would know how weak he actually was. He felt an arm wrap around his shoulder and looked to his right where Johnny sent him an encouraging smile. 

“Hold on.”, Johnny muttered and ran a finger under his eye. “There was some eye liner. Now you can continue.”

Taeyong managed a smile, hooking his arm around his lover’s waist to hug him closer, the taller’s presence making him mentally stronger. 

“I’m emetophobic.”

There was no reaction, aside from Jaehyun tilting his head slightly while narrowing his eyes. “I have heard the word, but I can’t quite place a meaning to it?”

“Yeah, well, I have never heard of it.”, Yuta stated. 

“Okay, so the most important thing is not knowing what the word is, but what the word means.”

“What does it mean? Is it dangerous?”, Haechan questioned.

“No, no, it’s not.”, Taeyong broke the tension that was growing. He could see most of the members’ shoulders go down, probably relieved it wasn’t that serious.

“It means...you know...I’m just sort of…”, he wasn’t sure how to say it. Would saying the action, no matter what synonym, trigger someone to actually become sick?

“You can do it.”, he felt Johnny hug him tighter, nose nuzzling the side of Taeyong’s head. He felt his favorite pair of lips press a short kiss to his temple and decided it was better to just tell them. 

“I’m scared of v-vomiting.”

He could tell Doyoung immediately understood the situation, the younger looked more guilty than before. He stood up and walked over to hug Taeyong, Johnny letting him go for a second. Because Taeyong’s head was buried in Doyoung’s shoulder, he could not see the proud smile his boyfriend wore. 

“You should’ve told me! I would never joke about something like that if I knew you’re scared of it!”

Taeyong could only hug his best friend tighter. 

“I was legit about to fucking cry over making you have a panic attack like that.”

“I just don’t get it. No one likes vomiting, do they?”, Yuta questioned with a raised brow.

It made Taeyong run a hand through his hair. Because that was true. Most people didn’t like vomiting? What was he trying to do? Be special?

“I-I guess.”

“No.”

Everyone’s attention turned to Jaehyun, who still sat on the couch. He locked his hands together, taking a big breath before speaking up again.

“If the mere thought of someone being sick sends you into a panic attack”, he looked at the standing trio for confirmation about what had happened, when said confirmation came, he continued. “then it’s so much more than just having a dislike towards it.”

“A phobia then?”, Yuta suggested.

“Yes. That’s the word.”

Of course it had just been a minor language barrier. It’s Yuta, why had Taeyong assumed he was out to make fun of him? Yuta was very open about what he thought of things, but he’d never voluntarily hurt someone.

“Why haven’t you told us?”, Taeil asked, joining the standing trio, placing a hand on the leader’s shoulder. 

“It’s embarrassing.”

“Have you ever been told it’s ridiculous to feel like your phobia is embarrassing?”, Doyoung asked him.

Taeyong glanced at Johnny before replying. “A couple of times, yeah.”

Johnny smiled weakly, leaning forward to press the nth kiss to Taeyong’s temple. 

“Promise to tell us in the future, if we do something triggering?”, Taeil suggested. 

“I’ll try.”

“On another note, I think we should get the coordi-noonas to freshen up your make-up. You can’t go out there looking like a raccoon.”   
Doyoung received a slap on the arm for that one.

 

When schedule was over for the day, Taeyong found himself next to Johnny in Johnny’s bed. The bed was a little to small for two people, but they always made it work. It was better than being separated. 

“I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you by my side.”, Taeyong broke their comfortable silence. 

“You’d live.”

“No. Like I’m not kidding. You’re the first person to ever support me through all of this bullshit. My parents always told me it’s all just in my head, which I mean...yeah, it is? But that’s the whole thing. They didn’t mean to offend me but they kept insisting I was just overreacting so I would get out of certain situations. But you never did anything like that. You made it feel as if it’s alright to live with this.”

“Because it is. Never feel bad over your phobia, that won’t cure it or help in any way.”

Taeyong leaned up from where his head was placed in the crook of Johnny’s neck, to kiss the corner of his mouth. 

“See what I mean?”

“If it makes you feel better I don’t want to live without you either.”

“I’m just...so thankful, I can’t find the right words for it, which is frustrating.”

“Trust me, your actions prove it better than any words ever could.”

Taeyong smiled before letting his hand stroke Johnny’s face, pressing their lips together. 

  
  


_ You keep me alive, _

_ On the edge of tonight _

_ Chasing tomorrow, _

_ With fire in my eyes _

_ You're like a siren in the dark, _

_ You're the beat playing in my heart _

_ You keep me alive, _

_ On the edge of tonight _

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be the same length as the other part but it ended up a little longer cx 
> 
> also something like this legit happened to me the other day, probably my most embarrassing moment this year haha


End file.
